Loot Diablo!
by Mr. Grey
Summary: Loot Diablo! *NEW* Chapter 5 - All previous chapters have been revised and updated because of D2X. Read from the start!
1. Loot Diablo

Loot Diablo!  
by Dreadnaught  
  
I was very tired when I wrote this, so if you find it stupid, just email me. Inspired by the "Sanctuary Times" at www.diabloii.net.  
  
Usual copyright stuff goes here.  
  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
  
  
  
*A tall man in a dark grey cloak entered the cell of Mayriu_911.*  
  
Guy in Cloak: So, Mayriu_911, at last I find you.  
  
Mayriu_911: SuPeR_TyReAL_ruxorz? Yes... yes I recognise you now, I should have known you traveled in disguise...  
  
SuPeR_TyReAL_ruxorz: I've been searching for a long time, Mayrius_911, I was rather begining to think that you didn't want to be found.  
  
Mayrius_911: Yeah yeah, it was all my fault. Here's what happened...  
  
  
  
  
*Rogue Encampment, days after the monastery was closed. Our five heroes met as they appeared out of nowhere and froze for a few seconds.*  
  
*A few minutes later...*  
  
Necromancer: Can I have some free stuff plz? Can I have some free stuff plz? Can I have some free stuff plz? Can I have some free stuff plz?  
  
Amazon: For the last time, NO! Say it again and I'll be forced to stab you with my Javelin! And stop staring at my legs!  
  
Necromancer: HA! You can't do that, the god Blizzard forbids any act of violence in town!  
  
Amazon: We'll see about that... Not in town... I can't do this here... Not in... AAARRG!  
  
*Amazon walks away towards Charsi and started to bargin about the price of a studded leather armor.*  
  
Necromancer: Well, since no one's answering, I'll just go ask Gheed. I'm sure he's nicer than all of you four bozos!  
  
*The Necromancer walks up to Gheed.*  
  
Necromancer: Hi...  
  
Gheed: A f***ing Necromancer! I hope I'll never lay my eyes on one of your f@#$ing kind again you m@#$f@#$!  
  
Necromancer: Whoa... Talk about unpleasant greetings...  
  
*A trader in blue, calling him Warriv, stood up.*  
  
Warriv: Ok people, it's time to talk to Akara, maybe she knows what you five mysterius strangers was here to do.  
  
*The sorceress takes out a map and started looking at it.*  
  
Barbarian: You need a map to find your way in town?  
  
Soreress: Well, I can't really see beyond my limited field of vision, whih is about 10 feet.  
  
*After the sorceress finally figured out how to use the mini-map, the five heroes rushed to Akara, who was 11 feet away from them.*  
  
Akara: Me not speak well english. Den of Evil, bad, pkpk monsters you get skill.  
  
Paladin *to Amazon*: Psst, I think she's talking to you.  
  
Amazon: Yeah, but I don't know what she's saying!  
  
Paladin: I thought you spoke amazonian.  
  
Amazon: She's not an amazon. But I think she's saying something about killing the monsters in some den.  
  
Paladin: Ok, let's rock/lock and roll/load.  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
Amazon: ...  
  
Sorceress: ...  
  
Barbarian: ...  
  
Druid: ...  
  
Paladin: What the... get the @#$% out of Classic D2!  
  
Druid: Okay, okay, don't have a cow king man.  
  
*Druid leaves*  
  
*The next morning, the five took the bus to the den of evil, but they had no idea of the horrors that was in store for them there.* 


	2. The Den

Loot Diablo!  
by Dreadnaught  
  
Usualy copyright stuff goes here. Thanks to Flexor for some randomized ideas.  
  
  
  
Chapter 2  
  
  
  
Barbarian: What do you mean by "exact fare"?  
  
Bus Driver: Means that you'll have insert the exact amount of money into the...  
  
Barbarian: I did, but I want my extra 50 cents back!  
  
Bus Driver: Well that's too...  
  
Barbarian: *WHACK*  
  
Paladin: Oh my god, you killed Kennieth! Who's going to drive the bus now?  
  
Barbarian: Who needs him? I am fairly certain that I can pilot this beast by myself...  
  
*A few minutes later, near a pile of scrap metal.*  
  
Barbarian: Ok, so maybe it's harder than I thought.  
  
Sorceress: Oh great, how are we going to get to the Den?  
  
Paladin: We can always use my super cool aura that makes everyone run tirelessly fast.  
  
Necromancer: Facinating, how does it work?  
  
Paladin: Well, firsy I'll have to inject you with some pure adrenaline, then I'll hang some orange colored flashlights over your head.  
  
Necromancer: ... Does that really work?  
  
Paladin: Sure it does, check this out... *injects adrenaline and hangs flashlights* WAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOO! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!  
  
Necromancer: Looks good to me.  
  
*The five of them infects themselves with pure adrenaline and hangs flsshlights over their heads.*  
  
Necromancer: *Running really fast* WAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Barbarian: *Running really fast* DABADABADABADABADABADABADABADABADABADABADABA!  
  
Sorceress: *Running really fast* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Amazon: *Running really fast, speaking really fast* ...Kashya thinks she's so good well I'll show her I'll guided arrow her *** to death that son of a...  
  
*They finally arrived at "The Den", which was accually a popular night club.*  
  
Barbarian: What the... isn't "The Den" supposed to be a creepy hole?  
  
Paladin: According to "Rogue's Guide to Vacationing", "The Den" is one of the top five night clubes in the area of Tristram.  
  
Amazon: What were we supposed to do again, take out every "monster"?  
  
Sorceress: You know what you doing.  
  
Paladin: Stop the ZeroWing-iesh talk!  
  
Barbarian: Well I've had enough of this, I'm gonna trash this place.  
  
*Barbarian has declared hostility on "The Den"*  
  
Necromancer: Maybe we should help him.  
  
*Barbarian was slain by "The Den"*  
  
*Some guy throws the Barbarian out the back door*  
  
Some Guy: ... and stay out!  
  
Barbarian: Ow...  
  
Amazon: What happen?  
  
Sorceress: Somebody set us up the bomb.  
  
Amazon: Main...  
  
Paladin: Ok, that's it, I can't take this anymore.  
  
*Paladin has left our world.*  
  
Necromancer: He'll be back, he is too addicted to leave now... NO ONE escapes from Diablo 2.  
  
*To be continued...*  
  
  
  



	3. Blood Raven

Loot Diablo!  
by Dreadnaught  
  
Usual copyright stuff goes here. Thanks to Flexor for the randomized ideas.  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
  
  
Necromancer: ... he's coming back any seconds now...  
  
Sorceress: How are we going to get back the the camp without his super-cool aura?  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
Barbarian: ...  
  
Amazon: ...  
  
Necromancer: We can let the barbarian drive the bus again...  
  
Amazon, Sorceress, Barbarian: NO!  
  
Necromancer: Hey, at least I'm thinking of something.  
  
Amazon: No way, I've already spent all the money I've collected from dead bodies to buy a new bus in return of the one he turned into a piece of scrap metal. Thank god the bus driver didn't sue us.  
  
Sorceress: Maybe I can call Kashya and ask her to pick us up. Anyone have any change?  
  
Necromancer, Barbarian. Amazon: Nope.  
  
Sorceress: I'll have to make a collect call then, let's see, zero...  
  
*Some guy appeared out of no were*  
  
Some Guy: What do you think you're doing?  
  
Sorceress: Making a collect call?  
  
Some Guy: Don't dial zero! Use 1-800-OVERCHARGE! It will save Kashya at least a buck or two!  
  
Sorceress: How do I remember?  
  
Some Guy: It's a collect call! Just remember! One! Eighthundred! O-V-E-R-C-H-A-R-G-E!  
  
*Barbarian knocks Some Guy out with this club*  
  
Barbarian: *WHACK*  
  
Sorceress: Hey! He was telling me how to save on collect calls...  
  
Barbarian: Well, it's very annoying. Just make the call!  
  
Sorceress: Ok, sheesh.  
  
*Sorceress calls Kashya using 1-800-OVERCHARGE.*  
  
Kashya: Yallo?  
  
Sorceress: Hi, erm, we kinda need a ride to the camp, you think you can pick us up?  
  
Kashya: No need, my rogue scouts reported that someone is f@#$ing around in the burial grounds, I need you five you check it out.  
  
Sorceress: Four now, since the paladin left.  
  
Kashya: Really, well, he'll be back, he's too addicted to Diablo 2 to leave now. I have to go milk the cows now, see ya.  
  
*They both hanged up.*  
  
Necromancer: So?  
  
Sorceress: She wants us to check out the burial ground, appearantly someone is, quote, "f@#$ing around it".  
  
Amazon: That b@#$%! I knew she's too scared to go there by herself, so she wants US to do it.  
  
Sorceress: Well, we better do what we were paid for.  
  
Amazon: We're NOT geting paid.  
  
Sorceress: Oh yeah... well, let's just go there for fun then.  
  
*The four walks to the burial grounds.*  
  
Some Guy: Now entering burial grounds.  
  
Barbarian: You again! What are you doing here?  
  
Some Guy: Uh... erm... I'm a... *Runs away*  
  
Sorceress: Let him go, let's just go see who's f@!#ing around the burial grounds.  
  
*The four enters the burial grounds.*  
  
Necromancer: I sense... death... within this place.  
  
Amazon: No duh, professor obious!  
  
Blood Raven: Join my army of the dead...  
  
*Zombies and skeletons charged at the four heroes... very slowly...*  
  
Necromancer: Pfft, that's nothing compared to MY army of the dead... hehehe.  
  
*Necromancer raises a skeleton, named Bob.*  
  
Amazon: THAT'S IT?  
  
Necromancer: Well, I have to get more points into skeleton, and since Akara didn't give us the skill point yet, I can only raise one. Besides, I'm sure Bob can take them all.  
  
*Bob got smashed to pieces in one shot*  
  
Necromancer: NOOOOOO! Bob!  
  
Barbarian: That's it, I'm gonna trash her.  
  
*Barbarian whacks Blood Raven*  
  
Barbarian: *WHACK*  
  
*Blood Reven dies, following by a spectacular lightning that kills not only the undead, but the framerate of everyone else.*  
  
Necromancer: Haha, Blood Raven... rest now... b@$#%!  
  
Sorceress: We REALLY need to stop the swearing.  
  
*PALADIN HAS JOINED OUR F@#$ING WORLD.*  
  
Amazon: Yay, he's back! Now we can get back to the camp without calling Kashya.  
  
Paladin: Did the Zero Wing talk stop?  
  
Sorceress: How are you gentlemen...  
  
Paladin: Don't start!  
  
Sorceress: Ok, ok.  
  
Barbarian: What did you do?  
  
Paladin: Listened to Cain Rap, he's some old guy who lives in tristram.  
  
Barbarian: Cool.  
  
*And so, some how, the four got the paladin's aura and ran back to the rogue encampment.*  
  
*To be continued...* 


	4. Deckard Cain

Loot Diablo!  
by Dreadnaught  
  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
  
  
*Our five heroes returns to Rogue Encampment after killing Blood Raven.*  
  
Akara: Welcome back!  
  
Barbarian: I thought you didn't speak english.  
  
Akara: I've learned. Try reading "English for Dummies".  
  
Barbarian: *Under his breath* Dummy...  
  
Akara: What's that?  
  
Barbarian: Nuthin'!  
  
Akara: Ahem, well, anyway, I got an email from Deckard Cain. Appearantly his unloyal fans trashed his place after one of his concerts and emprisoned him in a cage. I need you five to save him.  
  
Paladin: No problem! I'll just use my super-cool...  
  
Akara: I'm afraid even your super-cool speed aura won't help, Tristram is too far away... Which is why you need to go to the dark woods. There you will find the Tree of American Airlines. It will drop an airplane ticket once you get close to it. Bring it back and I'll sign it so you can get to tristram by plane.  
  
Paladin: First class, right?  
  
Akara: No... economy, but it's Amarican Airlines so you'll get alot of leg room.  
  
Paladin: Goodie.  
  
*So our five heroes started their journey towards the Dark Woods.*  
  
Necromancer: *Tired* Hey... guys... wait... up...  
  
Sorceress: Aw, come on, we've just started running for 2 seconds.  
  
Necromancer: I can't make it... you guys go on... and carry me with you!  
  
Sorceress: *Rolls eyes*  
  
*Minutes later...*  
  
Barbarian: *Carrying the necromancer on his back* A few more hundred yards and it's the paladin's turn.  
  
Paladin: But I just carried him across the whole underground passage!  
  
Barbarian: No buts.  
  
Paladin: Butt...  
  
Sorceress: Why didn't we take the bus?  
  
Amazon: Remeber how the barb trashed the last one...?  
  
Sorceress: Oh, right. I think he's still on the Tristram's most wanted top ten. Let me check with my TV.  
  
Amazon: TV?  
  
Sorceress: Telekenisis Vision. I think I can get Fox 666 here.  
  
*Sorceress turns on the TV*  
  
Some Guy: ... and he's armed and dangerous. But with YOUR help, we can put this bus-crashing maniac behind bars. If you have seen this barbarian, please call 1-800-crime-tv, or log on to...  
  
Sorceress: Yup, he's still on the top of the list alright.  
  
Necromancer: I hate to interrupt, but with this great view on the barbarian's back, I think I see the Tree of American Airlines.  
  
Amazon: How would you know? There are lots of trees here, how could this be the one?  
  
Necromancer: It has "more leg room" carved onto it.  
  
*Our five heroes finally retrives the airplane ticket, casts a town portal and returns to Akara.*  
  
Akara: Ah, very good, allow me to sign it...  
  
*Akara signs the ticket, the five boards an airplane that poped out of nowhere and the plane took off*  
  
Amazon: Man, this IS leg-roomy.  
  
Paladin: Yup. *Relaxes* Ahhhhh.  
  
Sorceress: *Getting nervous* Did I mention that I was afraid of flying...? I... I can't take this anymore! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!  
  
*After the triquilizer's effects wore off, the sorceress and the restof the party exits the plane, which has arrived at Tristram*  
  
Sorceress: Man, how long was I out.  
  
Necromancer: For about two hours.  
  
Sorceress: Aw... I don't feel so good, I think that triquilizer's effects are still there.  
  
*After finding the stadium where the fans of Deckard Cain kept him emprisoned, they slashed their way towards the cage*  
  
Paladin: Take that unloyal fans!  
  
*Paladin starts to shoot magical hammers out of his underarm. Everything in the area was wipped out*  
  
Sorceress: That skill's ought to be nerfed...  
  
Paladin: Wa?  
  
Sorceress: Nouthin'.  
  
Decaked Cain: Help!  
  
*Barbarian frees Decaked Cain from his cage*  
  
Barbarian: Decaked Cain, get the f@#$ outta here before you're f@#$ed!  
  
Decaked Cain: Thank you, friend for coming to...  
  
Barbarian: Shut the... *Barbarian casts a town portal and pushes Decaked Cain in to it.*  
  
Deckard Cain: AHHH!  
  
Barbarian: Alright people, let's get the hell outta here!  
  
*They all went into the town portal, mysteriously, none of the monsters follow. Oh yeah, they were killed by the paladin's overpowered skill.*  
  
Amazon: That's a close one, did you see that guy in the red shirt coming at us? He looked like one hell of a tough b@#$%.  
  
Akara: You have risked your life to rescue cain, as a reward, you all get a crappy ring which I no longer need.  
  
Paladin: All of that for THIS?  
  
Deckard Cain: Thanks, dudes, for helping me. Now as a token of my gratitude, I'll bust a rhyme for ya.  
  
All Five: Oh no....  
  
*To be continued.*  
  
________________________  
  
Author's Note: If you haven't heard the Cain Rap already, go to blizzard.com and check for their april fool's day's news.  
  
  



	5. The Malus

Loot Diablo!  
by Dreadnaught  
  
I know I skipped quest 4. There are two reasons for this. One: I've never done that quest since I started playing D2 and D2x. Two: I want to save it for something in a later chapter. Enjoy!  
  
  
Chapter 5  
  
  
  
*Our five heroes were stading near the fire in the middle of the rogue encampmentdiscussing about what to do next.*  
  
Amazon: Well, according to the Cain dude, Andariel is in the monastery somewhere.  
  
Necromancer: So, what now? Do we just go in there and ask?  
  
Amazon: Not exactly... I thought about bribing the shamans...  
  
Paladin: That would never work, I thought about a better plan... involving you...  
  
Amazon: Me?  
  
Paladin: No, the sorceress.  
  
Sorceress: What?  
  
Paladin: Well... you see... if you we can "bribe" a shaman, then we must be able to... distract... one... using your "charms"... if you know what I mean.  
  
Amazon: No.  
  
Necromancer: No.  
  
Barbarian: ... maybe...  
  
Sorceress: You sick, sick, sick man. Sick!  
  
Paladin: Hey it's not some... that stuff... it's merely... you know... distract one. You know what I mean?  
  
Sorceress: Sick.  
  
Barbarian: ... maybe...  
  
Necromancer: No.  
  
Amazon: Hey! Why her? Huh? Why not me? Am I not beautiful?  
  
Assassin: Or me? Huh?!  
  
Paladin: Get the hell out of Classic D2!  
  
Assassin: hmmmf!  
  
*Assassin vanishes into a cloud of smoke.*  
  
Paladin: Well ANYONE could! I'm just giving an example!  
  
Barbarian: Even me?  
  
Paladin: For all that's holy: GOD NO!  
  
Sorceress: Okay, but you owe me BIG for this.  
  
Paladin: So is this settled? The Sorceress will... distract... the gatekeeper while we sneak in and tp her?  
  
All: Fine...  
  
Paladin: I'll go talk to chasi about some equipment that we can buy.  
  
*Paladin walks towards Charsi.*  
  
Charsi: Pally! I'm glad you're here! Listen, when I fled the monastery, I left behind my Gameboy Advance and my horadric malus. I overheared your plan involving... the Sorceress... and I was woundering if you can pick them up on your way?  
  
Paladin: Uh... well we...  
  
Charsi: Pleeeeaaaaase?  
  
Paladin: But I...  
  
Charsi: Pleeeeaaaaase?  
  
Paladin: Oh alright! Just stop giving me that 'please' look; I invented that look!  
  
*And so, our heroes starts to walk towards the monastery, starting from blood moor... then they realize that they had a TP at dark woods and that would cut their traveling time by alot. They take the TP there and starts to walk towards the monastery once again... then they realize that this whole act is boring and they just decided to as someone else to give them the outer cloister and the catacombs level 2 waypoint. A Druid enteres*  
  
Druid: Well, well, if it isn't mr. Get Out Of Classic D2. Huh? Who's helping who? Now? Huh? Huh? Who's the Big Cheese now? Who's da Giant Taco now...  
  
All: Shut the @#$% up and give us the waypoints!  
  
Druid: Alright, alright.  
  
*The Druid gives them the waypoints and leaves. The five takes the waypoint from outer cloister and starts to hack their way towards the barracks.*  
  
Sorceress: *Killing everythign with ease with her overpowered firewalls.*  
  
Paladin: That skill's ought to be nerfed...  
  
Sorceress: What?  
  
Paladin: Nothing!  
  
*They finnaly made their way to the Gameboy advnace and the malus, which was guarded by the Smith... or also known as... Mr. T!*  
  
All: ...  
  
Mr. T: *about to speak* Foo...  
  
*Anyway, they beat the #@$% out of Mr. T before he had a chance to finish whatever predictable lines that he was saying. They took the malus and returns to Charsi... yes and the Gameboy Advance.*  
  
Charsi: Oh thank you so much for returning this to me. Now I will imbue one of your items with maical powers. No magical, socketed, set, rare or unique items.  
  
All: DOH!  
  
  
  
To be continued....  
  
  
  



End file.
